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Tuesday, December 25th, 2001
11:58 am
I am 80% evil.




Wow! I'm almost pure evil! Sin is my way of life. If there is a hell I have packed my bags for the trip.



Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz
Monday, December 24th, 2001
11:24 am
"Lie in comfort of sweet calamity with nothing left to lose. Like in the darkness, I'm slowly drowned to sleep, with nothing left to lose. Three tears I've saved for you ... I'd retrace the steps that led me here, but nothing lives behind me. So, I lie in this field, bathed in the light that loves me, with nothing left to lose. Three tears I've saved for you! Will you be my beloved? Will you help me to get through? Will you be my destruction? Will you help me to be through?"

- "Ever and a Day," The Art of Drowning, AFI
11:12 am - Merry fucking Christmas Eve
I was just thinking about this time last year ... Jessica and I were still together. December 25, 2000, was our three month anniversary and we were so loving ... And we exchanged Christmas gifts and held hands and talked and made love and loved each other unconditionally and nothing could have changed that except for my stupidity. I'm sorry ... I wish I could move on, but I can't. I don't know if it's Jessica that keeps me at that point or if it's the feeling she gave me. To those of you who know what I'm talking about, I don't need to explain, and to the rest, you'll find out soon. Just don't let go of what you love as easily as I did ... And there isn't one thing I wouldn't give to have back what we had, Jessica ... I'm sorry.

September 25, 2000 - January 25, 2001
Thursday, December 13th, 2001
12:26 pm - ...
"I dreamt of all that we could be
And I offered no apology
but I'm sorry."

- Nothing (Why?), Life, Dope
Sunday, December 9th, 2001
7:01 pm - ...
JESSICA JOHNSON: PART II


I could stand here and talk forever
But my words would do no good
Because you're not listening to a word I say
You think you know it all

You lay down your apologies to ease my pain
But your words offer me no solace
Because you're not proving it to me
You think you know it all

You touched a place in my life I cannot define
And, without you, I will never be whole again
You made me believe that the dark days were gone
But you took the sunshine away

You lived in your own turmoil for a short time
And grew tired of living with me
You made me believe that there was still time for us
But you took forever away

You locked your love inside a heart-shaped box
And you placed the soft body in my arms
You made your scent your everlasting signature in my life
But I will never smell you again

You told me I was your first love
But, to me, you'll always be the only one
How can I go through life living in fear
That I'll never feel that way again?

How could you take my life away
And how could you live like you do today?
How can you pretend to care one moment
And then turn your back to the next one in line?

I was sure I could win you back
I knew you would be mine again
You even gave me hope
And you said you'd never leave me this way

But all of it was lies
Your apologies, your promises
Your claims were exaggerated
And your forever was too short for me

Every promise you made
Everything we dreamt
Why did you ever have to wake up?
Why did we ever stop dreaming?
Saturday, December 8th, 2001
9:44 pm - ...
ALL MY FAULT


I realize that you are happy now
And what kills me is that I am dying inside
I don't know if I'd want you to hurt like me
But I wish we were happy again, like we used to be

But it was all my fault
I couldn't face the truth
I was too afraid
To admit that I loved you
It was all my fault
I couldn't face the truth
I was too afraid to admit
that I loved you!


I can only believe this will get worse
And I can't fight the fact that I did it myself
I don't know if I'd want you to hurt like me
But I wish we were happy again, before I was me

It was all my fault
I couldn't face the truth
I was too afraid to admit
that I loved you!
It was all my fault
I couldn't face the truth
I was too afraid to admit
that I loved you!


I was too afraid to open my eyes and see
That all I needed was lain before me
A moment of clear thought comes too late
As you have left me and find happiness elsewhere
You only live for him these days
And I am the last thought on your mind
When you smell that familiar scent
Realize that because of me,
I am no longer alive.

It was all my fault
I couldn't face the truth
I was too afraid to admit
that I loved you!


I was too afraid ...
I couldn't face the truth.
I was too afraid ...
I couldn't believe I loved you.
I was too afraid ...
I believe it now, I do.
I was too afraid ...
And now it's too late to say I love you.

It was all my fault
I couldn't face the truth
I was too afraid to admit
that I loved you!


It was all my fault
And I take the blame.
It was all my fault
And I live in shame.
It was all my fault,
I take the blame.
It was all my fault
and I can't stand.

It was all my fault
I couldn't face the truth
I was too afraid to admit
that I loved you!

It was all my fault
I couldn't face the truth
I was too afraid to admit
that I loved you!


It was all my fault ...
It was all my fault.
Monday, November 12th, 2001
9:10 pm
SUCH A CLICH�


'I hate myself and I want to die'
Words so easily muttered by an angry youth
But I have never spoken them so true
I can't believe the time has come that I feel this way
And it's all because of the perfect life I gave away
I took you for granted and you seek your revenge
I can't live knowing that you and I had to end
I know I chose to cut you loose
But you chose to ignore me, too.

I touched your cheek with such affection before anyone else
Your cheek is covered in love by another now that you've left
I want to touch you again but you ignore my calls
I want 'us' to be 'us' again but you laugh when I fall

So heartless
How do you sleep at night?
I lay wide awake
Because, for you, there is no fight ...

I've already lost.

'I want to kill myself and I want to stop the cries'
Words so melodramatic, I have to live this life
But I can't take all of this in stride
I can't believe the time has come that you feel this way
And it's all because of the perfect love that I gave away
I took you for granted and now you ignore me
I can't take knowing the fact that you aren't with me
I know I chose to cut you loose
But you choose now to ignore me, too

I touched your cheek with such affection before anyone else
Your cheek is covered in love by another now that you've left
I want to touch you again but you ignore my calls
I want 'us' to be 'us' again but you laugh when I fall

So heartless
How do you sleep at night?
I lay wide awake
Because, for you, there is no fight ...

I've already lost.

Why do I feel this way?
(I hate myself)
Why did you choose him instead?
(I want to stop the cries)
How could I feel this way?
(I want to die)
How could you forget about us?!
(How could you?!!)

What about us?!
What about you and me?!
What about everything we could have been?!
What about you?
What about me?
What about us?!

How could you give up on us?!

So heartless
(I am already lost)
How do you sleep at night?
(All I dream of is you)
I lay wide awake
(I hide the pain)
Because, for you, there is no fight ...
(You already made your choice)

Without you in my arms, I am lost ...



NOTE: The over-the-top melodramatic imagery and wording is intended. Ya know, just in case too many people don't understand ironic emotion. I think it's OK to be melodramatic with yourself, as long as you're not melodramatic every EVERY-FUCKING-SITUATION like a moron would be.
Thursday, November 8th, 2001
6:58 pm
This was so amazing I just had to post because of it.
Wednesday, November 7th, 2001
12:17 pm

JESSICA JOHNSON

You and I are supposed to be together
I don't know why you chose never
I go through the motions of life
knowing that you aren't by my side
I close my eyes to blind me
from the fear of the future I feel inside
And you seem to always remind me
It was my fear of you by my side before
I came crawling back to you,
You said couldn't handle it anymore

The choices we've had to make
are what keep us apart
We say we want nothing more
but each other in our heart
Now this enters my mind,
A question I pose to you
Will you ever forgive me
For the choices that I made?

You and I are supposed to be together
Why did you and I choose never?
Everyday is a battle for control
between my heart and my mind
Am I to give up what I know is true
and give into life because of you?
I came crawling back to you,
But you said you couldn't handle it anymore

I still refer to you.
I still hold onto you.
The memories will not fade
of my life with you!

Jessica!
Jessica!
Jessica!
Jessica!


The choices we've had to make
are what keep us apart
We say we want nothing more
but each other in our heart
keeps me in my darkness
A question I pose to you
will you ever forgive me
For the choice that I made
to forsake?

I wish you were here.
I wish we were again.
I'd give all I have
to make you mine again!

Jessica!
Jessica!
Jessica!
Jessica!


I wish you were here!
I still refer to you.
I wish we were again!
I still hold onto you.
I'd give all I have
(I still refer to you)
to make you mine again!
(I still hold onto you)
The memories will not fade
of my life with you!


Note: These are lyrics I wrote about two weeks ago at which time I wrote the music for them for ... And The Angels Fold Their Wings. Disagreements arose between xAaronx and I and now this song lays by the way-side. Originally this song was called (for the band) "The Memories Will Not Fade" and for my website was going ot be "Jessica." The reason for the difference was that I already have a song called "My Memories of You (Will Not Fade)." After Aaron and I parted ways, I decided that I would just call it "Jessica." But, I can't do that ... There is another important Jessica in my life and I don't want anything ... um, I dunno, it just made sense. I hope you find it enjoyable.
Tuesday, November 6th, 2001
12:30 pm - So funny to me I had to post it
Last night, Raychelle Williams and I went to Wal-mart, K-Mart, and Hardee's and stuff (one of the first times I've ever went out with a girl as friends and it really was just "friends") and it was funnier than shit ... She started talking about one time that I don't remember. That she and I and her friend went to the Norton Park or something. I still didn't remember. She asked how I couldn't remember. I said "For you, the day you spent with me was one of the most important and wonderful days of your life. For me ... It was Tuesday."
Saturday, November 3rd, 2001
8:57 pm
A LIVING, BREATHING FACADE


I can't see through the sadness that has been smothering me
I use my own feelings as a sword to hurt the lives of the others I touch
I live in a shell of my pain caused by a life taken too seriously
And I push the buttons of the weak to satisfy my need to feel something other than that pain

I walk among you, seeming to be just like you when I am anything but.
I wear a mask of hatred and hardness, I hide behind my sarcasm to shield myself from the world
I never give a straight answer, I always avoid confrontation
And, in my mind, I experience the pain again and again by repeating every single situation

Those who lie to love are still so far away and I'm left here all alone
Those who are within my touch could care less about my being stuck
In this life of bitterness and sarcasm, who am I to cling to when you're so far gone?
In my world, the life of a prisoner with my own mind being what keeps me locked away

You don't hear my screams ... You don't hear my cries
You don't hear me reaching out to you because I don't care whether I live or die
I try to breath but there is no strength left within me
I use all the energy I have inside to keep my precious wall of lies standing strong

In a world of bitterness and anger, in this life of sadness and spite
How am I to survive this life when I can't make it through one more night?
I cling to a nameless, sweaty body who labors for it's breath to accept who I am
I condescend to you for your immoral ways when I question myself 'am I really the whore now?'

I saw my world within her, I saw my life within the next
Am I to keep myself occupied with a person who matters less?
I latch myself onto anyone who will have me, no matter the shape or the size
While my mind attaches it to those who cannot see me in their eyes

Words that tumble from my mind, thoughts spilled onto a page
Every word coming from within with such truth in this moment of clarity
I wipe the dust from my heart and wonder if it will ever love again
I wipe the dust from my tact and wonder if I can stop this pain from ruling my life

I wonder and I contemplate rather I am to push everyone further away
I've driven you all from my life and made my misery my only friend
My misery is a lonesome creature who looks for more pull into it's grasp
I've let this anger and misery take over too long, how much longer will it last?

You wonder why I insult you all with every word I speak
You wonder why so much havoc in so many lives I must reek
I have sewn my seeds of discontent, and now the spoiled product I now reap
I do not live, I cannot bring myself to be real for I only sleep

The feeling that I feel inside has yet to subside so I continue to write
I try to release my pain through the words that flow from my mind
but the pain only lessens until I play the memory again and again and again ...
When will I let this pain go and get on with my life?

I've tried for so long to climb back into my life but I only hurt more on the way
I bring you all down with me as you attempt to console
I can't help but want you all to be lonely and sad because of what I am
You come to me seeking a smile, but all I offer you is an attitude ridden with bile

Each one of you are so far away, too far to offer any true consolation
Your words to me are really meaningless until I can embrace the speaker
I have had dreams of being normal, of being happy, of being whole once again
I even dance on the stage of normality to hide what I feel inside

You look on my outside and see that I am quite different from the rest
But until you take a glimpse inside, you have no idea how diverse I truly am
I try to live my life right, I try to not lie or hurt anyone else like they have me
And I try to give to you what was never given to me ... That is love.

Love is what I base my life on; my motto being that 'no one loves me'
How can anyone love me when the man I hate the most is the one I see in the mirror?
Such an impersonal confrontation drives me to the end of my pitiful rope
And at the slightest hint of resistance and failure, I lose all hope

On the outside, you see me as someone who is strong ... I seem to be oblivious to your words.
On the inside, I see me as someone who is crying ... I can't accept all that I have heard.
I liken my life more to that of Auschwitz than to that of Camelot
Doesn't it seem like I am a living, breathing facade?
8:12 pm
I often fantasize about killing myself ... And not even the action so much as the reaction; the result of my "untimely death." How would people react? How would it shake people up? Would people I never spoke to fall down crying saying 'Why, Why, Why?!' Would those who said that they no longer loved me confess that they still held the same love for me as they once denied? Would those who held a hatred for me smile now that I'm gone? Would the scene miss me? Would they hold a memorial show for a fallen bastard who took his own life? Would they find it ironic that the kid (me) who hosted No One is Alone This Day killed himself because he thought that he was alone? What would happen ... I often fantasize about killing myself.

"Now *I* feel like killing myself ... luckily I'm too depressed to bother."

current mood: contemplative
Thursday, November 1st, 2001
5:37 pm
It's tearing us up and it's breaking me down
All I'll be I'll be with or without you
And after all that we've been through
I can't be with or without you
I can't see you anymore
And I can't leave right out the door
After all that we've been through
I can't be with or without you


current mood: sigh
12:17 am
I love Jess.
Monday, October 29th, 2001
11:26 pm
How much difference a week can make ... A person who said they loved killed me, whereas a person I barely know resurrected me.

Resurrected like Lazarus, baby.
10:15 am - *smile* *yawn*
Three things to say ... First, Blessed be that Megan's LJ exists. Second, Subblime is AWESOME ... *grinning* And, third ...

There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces


current mood: giddy
Sunday, October 28th, 2001
1:25 am - My mood now ...
"Forgot all about yesterday
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake / slow to react
Even though you're so close to me
You're still so distant / And I can't bring you back
It�s true / the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me
I'm with you."
Wednesday, October 24th, 2001
11:09 am - Merry fucking Christmas Eve
I was just thinking about this time last year ... Jessica and I were still together. December 25, 2000, was our three month anniversary and we were so loving ... And we exchanged Christmas gifts and held hands and talked and made love and loved each other unconditionally and nothing could have changed that except for my stupidity. I'm sorry ... I wish I could move on, but I can't. I don't know if it's Jessica that keeps me at that point or if it's the feeling she gave me. To those of you who know what I'm talking about, I don't need to explain, and to the rest, you'll find out soon. Just don't let go of what you love as easily as I did ... And there isn't one thing I wouldn't give to have back what we had, Jessica ... I'm sorry.

September 25, 2000 - January 25, 2001
Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001
1:55 am
At 1:38am, on October 23, 2001, the greatest thing I had in my stupid little life ended. Jessica Johnson told me she couldn't love me the way she did. That things were the same anymore. That what was keeping she and I apart was the heart that I thought would never give up on me. I am completely saddened by this, of course. The tears ran as free as possible tonight. It was my fault for giving her up on January 25. She fell out of love with me. She grew out of her love with me. I'm sure she'll be happy with Brian (blinkblazing182, also who I believe to be the anonymous asshole in the recent comments) or with Corey or with whoever she decides she can grow to love. I'm sorry for the way it ended ... I never wanted Jessica and I to end. I hurt a lot of people to try and make her happy ... Nikki, Bobbi, Heather, Jennifer; all at one point or another did I choose Jessica over those who I know cared for and honestly loved me. And to find out that what WE believed to be true is only still believed by one person is wrong. I feel within me that Jessica and I being apart is WRONG ... I honestly think she feels the same way, but then again, I honestly think a lot of shit that turns out to be wrong. I thought she loved me ... and that was wrong. There is someone for everyone and my someone is Jessica. It sucks knowing that there is NO ONE else out there for you ... I know this because I have tried.
Jessica is the love of my life. But I have to give up on a dream when the object of that dream refuses to risk being hurt to be loved.

Bye
Sunday, October 21st, 2001
5:40 pm - ...
"Lie in the comfort of sweet calamity with nothing left to lose. Lie in the darkness, I'm slowly drowned to sleep with nothing left to lose. Whoa, three tears I've saved for you. I'd retrace the steps that lead me here, but nothing lives behind me. So, I lie in this field bathed in the light that loves me, with nothing left to lose. Three tears I've saved for you. Will you be my beloved? Will you help me to get through? Will you be my destruction? Will you help me to be through?"

- "Ever and a Day" - The Art of Drowning - AFI
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